Welcome to Ideothetic Flow! A passion project sharing my reflections on life, being a better person and building a kinder world.
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Hi!
The past 2 weeks have been relatively slow. I got my 2nd vaccination dose, leaving me in a drowsy haze for several days, followed by minor food poisoning. I’m just finally feeling back to my normal self. That said, restrictions are easing and I am very excited about getting in some good training soon!
Handling Insecurity
I am an enneagram type 6. Of its various attributes, I identify most with the need for security and difficulty to trust. Much of what I feel and do is motivated by this underlying insecurity.
On good days, my insecurity is a source of strength. Feeling insecure about my competence motivates me to improve myself. Not wanting to trouble or let others down gets me to work harder, and think more for others. I am reminded to put effort in my relationships and not take them for granted. I constantly question if I am being a decent person and try to be kinder.
But, insecurity is often destructive. My energy is drained as I imagine myself to be responsible for everything bad that happens. I constantly think that I should have done better. Small mistakes weigh heavily on my mind. I even start to question why I didn’t pre-empt problems at work that aren’t my responsibility. I worry that others think I am not doing enough. I worry that relationships will drift away because I am not good enough.
This long list of worries is not helpful. Trying to get on top of all of them stretches me in too many directions, and I end up feeling worse as I fail to make progress. I am afraid of taking on challenges and risk where I may let someone else down. I must take the safest, risk-free approach. This happens even in frivolous things like playing computer games.
I compound my own problems. The enneagram 6 is a skeptic. Rather ironically, when someone gives me that reassurance I need, I find it hard to trust that reassurance. Telling me I am doing ok counts for less than my own imaginations about how I am not doing ok. It is unfair to those who actually care and want to help. I need to work on overcoming this.
If I don’t trust being told I am doing fine, then it is inconsistent to worry about others thinking I am flawed. But, I admit this still happens to me. It is rather pointless though. We have no control over what others think. With so many people in our lives, each with their own subjective standards, meeting all of them is impossible. For some people, we will never be enough, and I need to come to terms with that. These people don’t truly care about me and might even want to exploit insecurity to get more out of me. For those who are truly important, we will always be enough, and I don’t want to have pushed these people away to try and please those who don’t matter.
I’m trying to repeat to myself that “I am not responsible for everything.” I am not expected to make everything around me perfect all the time. I met an acquaintance for a coffee some time back, when we parted, I wondered if I had been a good conversationalist. I killed that thought quickly, it is not my responsibility to give the other person a good experience, my role was to show up and be myself. After all, perhaps they too are wondering if they had not bored me. Seen in another light, its quite arrogant and narcissistic to think I am the only one responsible for making things good. Based on the Spotlight Effect - that we overestimate how much others notice us - others aren’t likely to think it is my responsibility too.
I can’t overwrite my basic programming, but I am learning how to channel it better. To redirect and reframe the bad parts, and to capitalise when it is a source of strength for me.
Some other thoughts…
Writing in Public -Bookbear Express.
It’s hard to not to worry about what people will think of my writing as I write this newsletter. This piece helped me reframe that thought - I realised that even if someone reads my writing and hates it, it is already such an amazing experience to have someone read and think about what I write.
Wing Chun vs Climate Change? (Inspired by: Is your carbon footprint BS (podcast))
How can we do our part to help with the climate crisis? Reducing our individual footprints has negligible impact. We need to leverage skills for outsized impact. Not all skills are directly linked to saving the world though. I spent some time thinking about how my own interests could still be relevant.
Traditional skills like Wing Chun probably have a low carbon footprint. Sharing it with others gives them an alternative to more pollutive forms of leisure. Perhaps this is one way for me to have leveraged impact.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts, start a conversation, or simply connect over a chat. You can reply this email, leave a comment, or reach me at jameschanwz@hey.com.
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Take care and have a good week!
James