Welcome to Ideothetic Flow! This is my passion project where I share my reflections on being a better person and building a kinder world.
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Hi!
The Hurry Slowly podcast by Jocelyn K. Glei is one of my sources of inspiration for this newsletter. Jocelyn’s ideas are valuable reminders to stay centered within the stressful, fast-paced culture the world constantly moves towards. They have been very helpful to me in refining my own thoughts. If you are ever seeking motivation, feeling stuck, stressed or burnt out, I would very much recommend checking out her work.
This week, I would like to share an episode from the Hurry Slowly Podcast containing a live Q&A about Tender Discipline, and my own notes from listening to it. These notes are not a comprehensive summary, merely my own internalisation of the concept. The podcast puts forward the ideas far better than I can, so do give it a listen.
Jocelyn K. Glei: Tender Discipline
Discipline
Discipline is seen as a virtue we must have to succeed. We are taught to push ourselves through obstacles and adversity. We are expected to whip ourselves into states of high productivity, so that we can get things done efficiently. Those who lack discipline to fall behind and accomplish little. Rest is for the weak and lazy. It should be minimised.
Discipline in this traditional form shames us into gritting our teeth and power through tasks without complaint. Even if we feel we have done enough, there is no longer intrinsic value, or feels wrong, we should ignore these feelings and keep going.
This leads to stress and burnout. We feel bad for not achieving more, taking a rest, or voicing any doubt. We feel inferior, thinking that we could have been stronger, more disciplined. With this mental burden, we are too busy battling our own stress to be kind to others. Besides, when we see the world through the lens of the disciplinarian, we see no reason to be kind. We think that those who need help, who are in difficulty, are merely not disciplined enough. We think that they need to be punished to motivate them to work harder, not coddled with warmth.
Tender Discipline
Tender discipline is about motivating ourselves in a gentle, supportive manner.
The podcast’s example to explain the difference is that between a drill sergeant - he is skeptical of you, thinks you are lazy, so he screams at you to work harder, and does not want to hear you complain about the pain, and a doula - who acknowledges the pain and supports you through it.
Tender discipline acknowledges that we are both strong and weak. Trusting that we innately have the strength to get things done, we do not need to be shamed into action. If the task is right, motivation and effectiveness will naturally appear. It acknowledges that we are weak. Things can be painful, that we need rest, that some goals are not realistic. Tender discipline is about learning how to access our strengths and adapt to our weaknesses in a natural way, rather than using force or coercion.
Tender discipline is also about directing our attention to the act of working rather than results. It wants to help us work on the right things, in the right way. It does not expect there to be a final product or to be compared against anyone else. I think of exercise as an example. It is not necessary to have ran a certain number of kilometers or done 100 push ups to be considered exercise. Sometimes we have an off day, or something cuts the workout short. What matters is that we take the step of going to exercise and do what we can in those circumstances. Forcing ourselves to hit some arbitrary quota even when the body hurts is more likely to lead to injury.
“Tender discipline pushes back against this whole suite of ideas that have been embedded in us by our capitalist culture, about speed and efficiency and progress. And it pushes back against the idea that when we’re doing a task, the best way to do it is to get from here to there as quickly as possible. And then when you get there, you damn well better have a product to show for it. Just being you isn’t enough. It’s what you produce, that matters. That’s what capitalist culture teaches us. That we don’t have inherent value. That we have value only when we produce things.”
-Hurry Slowly
I took down 3 ideas from the podcast which I felt I could apply more in my own life:
1. Goal Setting
Traditional discipline sees goals as outcomes we must try to achieve at all costs. Failure is not allowed. Put in more effort and ignore more pain until you get there. Adjusting the goals is weakness.
Applying tender discipline to setting goals means not clinging too tightly to the goals we set. Goals should be constantly re-assessed. Were they achievable in the first place? Were they meaningful to our lives? Even if they were at the time we set them, the context can change. We may get sidetracked by a crisis. We might suddenly realise something else is more important. Our original goals might have been unrealistic and need to be adjusted. Shifting our goals is not failure, but being honest to ourselves.
2. Doing Enough
We often fail to define what is “enough” before embarking on something. This leaves us uncertain as to when to stop, what is good enough. We feel that we could spend more time and effort to improve further. We find new yardsticks to compare and fall short of. Defining what is “enough” in advance lets us know when we should stop before we burn out, when we can rest, and enjoy our achievements.
3. Momentum
We are forced to adapt to the rythmn of the world around us. We are expected to behave like we have an “instant on” switch, where we can enter a state of maximum productivity on demand. In truth, we all have different cycles of when we function best. Each person has preferred time, place, or other conditions for their best work. Sometimes we sit down ready to work but find no inspiration. Other times our creative muse flares up when we are not in a position to make use of it.
Tender discipline accepts that productivity is not on demand. Sometimes we cannot get in the right zone, and it is perfectly fine. We may need to gather energy and inspiration from other activities first before we come back. Rather than expecting ourselves to always be making maximum progress, tender discipline only expects us to maintain a slight momentum in our projects. To engage in them whenever possible, and see if it leads to more momentum. If we get into the right zone, great, take advantage of it and push on. If we do not, it is fine to put things aside, and move to the task in which momentum builds up.
Have a good week!
James
Photo by Bich Tran from Pexels
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts and discuss further! Are you skeptical about whether we can be productive without pushing through some pain? How do you balance between pushing through adversity at all odds, and acknowledging our difficulties? Or, does the idea of tender discipline resonate with you?
You can email me at jameschanwz@hey.com, leave a comment, or starting a conversation on whatsapp.