Respecting boundaries that businesses set.
Dress codes at a restaurant. Pasta with anchovies and breadcrumbs.
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Hi!
I had an difficult encounter last week.
I booked a restaurant for dinner and drinks with some good friends several months in advance. The day had finally come last week and we were looking forward to a good dinner.
Some of us got there first and got cocktails to start. When another friend arrived later, I was told the restaurant had a dress code, which our friend did not meet it. I tried asking the staff if there was some alternative or if a concession could be made. However the manager made clear that the dress code was strict. We were left with an awkward choice of asking a friend to leave, or abandoning our table. Excluding a friend is unthinkable since the point of dining is the company. So we got up and left.
We found another place to eat nearby and ended up having a really good time anyway. However, when I had space to think about things later on. I struggled to reconcile the different expectations between us as the customer, and the restaurant as a business.
Technically, we were in the wrong. There was a notice about the dress code in the booking platform, and it was my fault for failing to remind everyone about it.
But, I was still upset about the experience. I felt that it was handled in a way that was not hospitable, and went against what I felt was important in dining and entertaining.
As someone who deals in rules for my career, this is a reminder too, that being “right” is not always enough. Others could still be upset, have their day ruined, or maybe suffer something worse.
Was I justified to feel upset? In the moment I definitely thought so. I thought about how I had been to fancier places which were more welcoming. I had acknowledged and apologised for my mistake, but expected that the restaurant would still let us in as a gesture of goodwill. We probably would have been quite grateful and had a happy evening.
That was my view as a customer. But I must also acknowledge another side to this. The restaurant is entitled to run their business the way they want. I don’t own them just because I am paying money. I don’t have any right for them to bend their rules for me, or to go above and beyond.
Maybe it is better that they did not bend any rules. Deference to the customer can go out of control. I’ve seen in the legal industry how easy it is to keel over for a client’s unreasonable demands. Lawyers end up overworked or worse, unprofessional decisions are made. Elsewhere too, vendors and contractors are pushed beyond their boundaries. The ones at the bottom of the ladder are most likely to end up overworked and underpaid as a result of these boundaries being broken.
There is a section in Rework about Letting the Customer Outgrow You. In their context of product development, it means not to be building features just because a single customer requests for it. This may overstretch the company and alienate other customers. Sometimes a customer has outgrown what the product can do and there is no longer a fit. It is fine to let that customer go.
So, despite it being a bad experience for me, I also appreciate that the restaurant can and should draw those boundaries about how they want to work. It was simply a bad fit between us, and we respect those boundaries by walking away with minimal conflict. I can go somewhere else and they can serve someone else.
This was unfortunate for me, personally. But in terms of what the world should be, we should see more instances of customers being outgrown. As a customer, it also on me to take it in my stride and move on. That same respect we show to their boundaries, might be paid back to us another time when we are on the receiving end.
Other things…
Pasta with anchovies and toasted breadcrumbs.
I am adopting this as my signature dish. Made it a few times recently and absolutely love it. It's not too difficult and it feeds into my Singaporean love of dry noodles, and my love for Italian food.
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Take care and have a good week!
James