Welcome to Ideothetic Flow! A passion project sharing my reflections on life, being a better person and building a kinder world.
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Hi!
We had a challenging two weeks adjusting to all the new routines of having 2 children. To make things worse, somehow everything in the house (most importantly, the car) decides to break down!
There was a particularly difficult night where Joy woke up at 2am and could not get back to sleep. She was uncooperative and kept pushing me away. As I tried to deal with this in my semi awake state, I felt frustrated and demoralised. It didn’t feel worth it to put in all that effort at home. There is a temptation to then try and restore the balance by either lashing out or doing something self-destructive.
Fortunately, my reflections in this newsletter act as my buffer against my negative thoughts. They help me to take a measured view once the initial reactions fade.
I wondered why I feel frustrated. Being woken up at 2am isin’t pleasant, but it is not fatal either. I’ve done worse when gaming or working. Most of these problems aren’t anything I am not strong enough to bear.
Perhaps the real discomfort is questioning my identity. When things aren’t going perfectly at home, it makes me ask if I am failing at being a good father. Then I realise that this is purely internal, about me clinging to these identities.
It might also be a problem of wanting to feel productive. To wish that things went smoothly so I had more time to do other things. This comes from the discomfort of thinking I have not done enough, and need to be achieving more. Again, an internal problem.
As I watch a toddler play instead of sleep at 5 in the morning, and brace for a challenging day ahead, it dawns on me that, once I remove these internal expectations, this is exactly what I want to be doing.
Life is never smooth for anyone, but I already have the good fortune of fighting the challenges I want to be facing, and not something else forced on me. If everything went smoothly, what would I be doing? Something career minded? Playing a computer game? Reading a self improvement article? These aren't true sources of joy for me. Mere pastimes, or things I feel pressured into doing when comparing with others.
I attended a parents' workshop run by Joy’s nursery recently. One of the activities involved pairing up with another parent, and we had to describe a trait about each other. My partner told me that at first she wanted to describe me as friendly, but changed her mind since everyone would be friendly in this context. Instead, she recognised me for the trait of “joyfulness”, which she felt I displayed when I interacted with my kids, and brought to others when they saw it.
This was unexpected, especially since I have not been in the best mental state for awhile. It made me realise that, as I peel back the layers and acknowledge what I have, I am exactly where I want to be. There is great joy in that, and I can also bring that Joy to others.
If I want to be experiencing that Joy, then I must let thoughts of whatever else I could be doing - a list that would be impossible to complete - go past me, and focus merely on, the next right thing.
James
Other things…
With my downtime quite fragmented by the various errands I ran, my main leisure these two weeks was to catch up on podcasts and light reading. I found two really interesting ideas I wanted to share:
Hurry Slowly - Miki Kashtan - Aliveness and Flow
This shared an interesting perspective about money. Whenever we exchange something for money, the encounter ends and the flow of energy between people is cut off. We can go about our lives without caring about the other person again. The speaker gives an example of giving a stranger some mulberries to try, and the stranger wanted to pay her for them. In doing so, the “debt” is repaid, and there is no need to go further. While there are many benefits to money and the ability to transact in this way, I felt its important we also recognise that there are other forms of relationship and exchange between people.
Farnam Street - Carol Dweck: A Summary of Growth and Fixed Mindsets
I particularly like this line: ““Why waste time proving over and over how great you are,” Dweck writes, “when you could be getting better?””.
Its easy to understand, but not to put into practice. This constantly gets harder as we become better at things. A beginner never has to worry about being great, but an expert might feel pressured to stay in the comfortable status quo they know they are good at. As I get more advanced in my training, I need to constantly remind myself not to let this get in the way of actually improving.
The trouble is that so much of life revolves around proving our abilities to someone else. From exams, certificates, and CVS. There is a tendency not to even allow others even a moment of looking unsure. Its a “fake it till you make it” world of false bravado, trying to prove we are capable instead of getting better.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts, start a conversation, or simply connect over a chat. You can reply this email, leave a comment, or reach me at jameschanwz@hey.com.
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Take care and have a good week!
James