Having an identity can make us worse
Identities are fragile, must be proven, and prevent compromise.
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Hi,
It’s been a tricky two weeks. A sparring injury has forced me to spend some time resting. The combination of physical pain, and not being able to train is rather frustrating.
Our wedding anniversary staycation was also prematurely cut short by me receiving a Health Risk Warning. Hotel policy required us to check out even if I tested negative on an ART, so we spent the weekend back home. We still enjoyed ourselves, but its also a reminder of the added stress, uncertainty, and potential disruption in these times.
While I understand this was necessary in the current situation, I wish we were as swift and decisive in using similar legal powers to prevent many other things that are harmful to the community.
Have a good week!
James
Having an identity can make us worse
Searching for our identity is a big part of life. We all want some assurance about who we are, and that we amount to something.
We not only need an identity, there is pressure to declare it publicly. In this hyperconnected world, our bio needs to make an impact quickly. Simply being “James” will be forgotten quite fast. I must show that I am more than that: a Dad, a Lawyer, a Martial Artist, a Gamer, and to have various achievements. Our identity is important for others to get to know us quickly.
However, these identities can distort our actions and keep us from living our best life.
Identities are fragile
We declare our identities in absolute terms, as if we permanently embody them to the fullest. This is rarely true though. First, our identities are fragile. Various events out of our control can end them. A serious injury, a family crisis, a global pandemic.
We don't always full embody our identities, but only manifest them in limited windows. I read contracts for a living and yet agree to various terms and conditions in my personal life without a glance.
Identities are also relative, there's often someone else who manifests your same identity differently or more intensely. Put next to them, it could make your own identity seem weaker. What happens if we meet a co-worker who puts in more hours, or someone at the gym who does more exercises with bigger weights? Our identities may then feel fradulent.
We constantly need to prove our identities
These weaknesses in our identities create a gap between what we declare and who we are. But our public commitment puts pressure on us to conform to what we have declared. We need to prove our identities to ourselves and the world around us.
We inherently dislike watching identities get torn apart. Think of narratives involving some super genius: you see Rick make all kinds of mistakes, but never him being outsmarted. On the other hand, narratives where identities are tested leave us solemn and dark.
Proving our identity can be destructive as we overcompensate. We could push ourselves too hard (my own training injuries might be linked to this). We could cling on instead of changing even though it might be better for us . We may sacrifice our values and forget about being kind to others. Worse still, there is often no real criteria of what makes an identity, we never have certainty that others will agree we are successful in proving our identity to them.
If we are overly reliant on our identity for our sense of being, then failing to prove our identity or losing it could hurt terribly. Our emotional and mental states may suffer terribly, we won't be at our best state to do good for the world. It reminds me of Batman, who needs the Batman persona for his sense of self, to drive away his own sadness.
Our identities can be exploited
That same pressure to prove our identities makes us easy to exploit. Others pressure us to be fully consistent with them. Nice people should not scold others or assert themselves or risk losing their identity. Healthcare workers must go the extra mile to save others, even at the cost of their own welfare.
It can be more insidious. The economy often wants us to have clear identity labels, so that we can be segmented, analysed, and that information used to maximise our spending or work. They don’t only want us to have an identity, they would prefer and prod us towards declaring an identity which fits into the labels they create, so they can use them more easily to predict and exploit our behavior.
Entrenched identities create conflict
Once our identities are set, it makes us more likely to enter into conflict. Our identities remove our option to understand others and compromise, we are forced to act in the way we have declared. If I identify with a particular political party or ideology, then I would always defend that viewpoint regardless of its flaws and attack the other. To compromise would be to dilute my identity. Meet someone of the opposite identity then any attempts at reason will be deadlocked. Oppression of one side is the only final resolution. But, to live in a community is to live with diversity, and for everyone to constantly compromise for the sake of the community.
We are more complex than our identity.
We are all inherently much more complex. We can constantly change our preferences and opinions. We can discover new things about ourselves. We can be inconsistent too and accept that we have good and bad days. Trying to always be consistent with some limited notion of identity only wears us out.
I think a better way to see our identities as only a summary of things we have done in the past, and aspire to do in the future. Not an asset we possess in the present moment. We are free to draw on that past for strength, or that future for priority, but also to break free of them.
We can also see our identity as something completely external, as a shortcut the outside world creates of us to try to understand us. The map is not the territory however. Any deviation from the identity is not our failing, but the world's failure to understand us.
Freed from constraints of a constructed identity, I believe our internal struggles will reduce. That extra space and open mind can then allow us to be better persons. We can start to see ourselves and others as something far more than our labels.
Other things…
Fewer options can create more optionality
An insight into basecamp and hey’s product design, and a good example of how doing less can be better.
Argue better by signalling your receptiveness with these words
We often learn to write and argue forcefully, but it could actually be counterproductive.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts, start a conversation, or simply connect over a chat. You can reply this email, leave a comment, or reach me at jameschanwz@hey.com.
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Take care and have a good week!
James