Welcome to Ideothetic Flow! A passion project where I share my reflections on being a better person and building a kinder world.
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Hi,
I’ve been feeling down for some time. Lately it is harder to latch onto good moods. Small setbacks or bad encounters drain me out quickly. I am less able to get myself to be productive or exercise self-care.
A part of this comes from my challenges in parenting a toddler with increasing independence. A natural part of independence is having preferences, and I am not the preferred parent. She much rather be with her mother than me. That is fine, and I can understand it.
However, I get frustrated when this preference makes it hard for me to parent. Joy might insist on Alcina putting her to sleep, to change her, or to play with her. If I try to enforce some rules or boundaries, or if I fail to keep her attention occupied enough, she simply walks off to her mother instead.
I feel tired that I can’t let my guard down. I have to respond to the smallest things quickly and perfectly. Otherwise I might end up with Joy interrupting Alcina’s work or rest. Whenever this happens, I get demoralised. I know she is counting on me to help, and I want to contribute equally. But now I feel that I have failed as both a husband and a parent.
At the same time, I am unsure where other aspects of my life are going. I feel like I am falling behind on my own personal growth. Fitness is dropping. Side projects have little momentum. My career feels stagnant. I lack a sense of achievement and doubt my self-worth. I lack direction on what to do next.
Giving priority to my family leaves me with little time and chance to explore and experiment to find that direction. I try not to ask for time of my own, and always want to fit my life within my family’s needs. I let them dictate my schedule and interrupt me. I am afraid to make changes or take on commitments that upset their routines or risk my time for them.
However, during challenging times at home, I start to ruminate about this lack of progress. I start to feel cheated that I am putting myself aside for my family, only for those sacrifices to be in vain as I can’t parent well. I end up failing on both fronts, leaving me feeling worse.
I find it hard to talk about these feelings to others. I am already very blessed and fortunate and should have little to feel down about. What right do I have to feel bad when others have it much worse. My wife is likely dealing with much more than me. Am I simply too weak and unable to solve my own problems?
We’re expecting our second child next year. I should be excited, but, I am scared. I am worried I cannot cope. I want and need to break out of this gloominess. Admitting my feelings here is my first step to try and get better. I know it will take some changes to my life and my thinking. Most of all, I know it will need time, that I need to constantly remind myself to stay patient.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts, start a conversation, or just catch up with you on life. You can reply this email, leave a comment, or reach me at jameschanwz@hey.com.
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Take care and have a good week!
James