Dealing with being fragile.
Dealing with being fragile.
Starting a new job
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Hi!
Some life updates. I've officially started a full time role with Wavemaker, a venture capital firm. I'd been working there on a contract basis since February, and they have very kindly offered to convert me to a permanent part of the team.
I also got a promotion at BJJ and am now a 2 stripe white belt. Its nothing spectacular, but it's nice to know I'm slowly making progress.
Why do we keep breakable things around?
Strangely, over the past month I've been dealing with more instances of broken glass than my clumsy self normally does. Cleaning up is a pain, and there's always a nagging fear of missing something out. Almost every time I find a loose shard hidden away 3 days later and thank my luck the kids didn't come across it first.
It's strange that we are so comfortable surrounding ourselves with fragile things.
Is it because we are fragile too? We break easily, but we can't let it hold us back from going about our life.
Our body will break someday
I used to get frustrated with my Dad's stubbornness. He would climb ladders, insist on carrying heavy loads, or some other risky activity. He has 3 adult sons who could help him with these, why put himself in danger.
As I get older and have kids, I've come to understand his mindset. To run a business and raise 3 kids, he's probably put aside worrying about his long term health, in favor of doing what matters to him.
I find myself doing the same, I can't let worries about not resting enough, or things like career growth, distract me from being present. I've been pushing through bad sleep or even minor injuries to try and keep things up.
After all, despite best efforts, the physical body will end. Making it so far without some freak accident is already fortunate enough. The worst thing we can do is to do nothing out of fear that we are fragile.
Being fragile is necessary to grow.
We’re also fragile in that we are often at risk of failure. There's always a possibility of making a mistake, breaking a promise, falling short of expectations.
My enneagram 6 insecurity tempts me into wanting to avoid these. To find a path with the least chance of failure. To avoid being fragile.
I used to be slow to push the difficulty level of the games I play. There's a discomfort in signing up for a more difficult experience. These days I push that boundary further, and learn to enjoy the experience of failing, and getting better.
Relishing challenges comes naturally to some, but I need to actively remind myself to move towards the challenge. I know that it's only when we feel a fear of failure, that I am pushing my limit. It means there's opportunity to grow, and be better. It means whatever I am pursuing has impact. I have to be doing work, training, or even playing at a level that feels hard.
We're breakable but we can't show it
For me, there is also a disconnect between the need to keep a confident front, not showing vulnerability, and internally worrying about how things may go wrong. I guess people don't like to see weakness. They want the assurance of knowing you seem assured. It's more convenient than thinking up contingencies and worst case scenarios.
That disconnect wears me out though. Especially so these days when trying to balance family, hobbies, work, volunteering and leisure. I find it hard to even show a crack in the facade that I'm smoothly gliding between these things. I'm a glass cup at the edge of the table, pretending to be a child safe one.
I take some comfort in knowing that, if I'm worrying ill drop the ball at some point, but haven't yet, maybe I'm still doing it right. I can embrace that feeling of fragility that tells me I am pushing ahead.
At the same time, I try not to be part of the problem. Not to expect false confidence from others, to be understanding of their vulnerability and that they might mess up. Maybe when we're all honest about what scares us, we can all relate better to one another.
Other things…
Parliament work.
I'll be working on a speech for the upcoming Building and Related Works (Miscellaneous Amendments) Bill. If you have any thoughts or ideas please feel free to reach out.
This month I'm also looking into policies around minimum annual leave, IVF, and food donation. Thoughts, stories, or support are always welcome.
For tarot based reflections and journal prompts, check out @thecenterline_ on IG
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Take care and have a good week!
James
As I grow older, I'm finding myself having to learn to deal with another kind of vulnerability. I've had some time to narrow my pursuits and gotten a few years of experience in some of them. This comes with an expectation of competency that I am afraid I won't live up to. What if I miss something I should have caught as a lawyer of 9 years, or get submitted by a new white belt on the mats.
Not everyone may agree, but I feel more comfortable in the beginner mindset. To be expected to know nothing, and having the chance to keep learning without pressure.
Its tempting to try and avoid this vulnerability. To make excuses for mistakes, or put myself in a position where I can't be wrong. There's a common joke in BJJ memes that when a junior is about to submit a senior, they start “teaching” them the right way to do it, erasing the possibility that the senior was beat at their game.
As scary as it is, embracing this fragility is crucial to being able to grow and improve. If I stop feeling like I can be wrong, that I cannot be tested by someone junior, then I am probably in a position that I can no longer learn and grow. Feeling fragile in this way is an indicator that I'm in the right place. If I stop thinking that what I write could be wrong, that it's possible for a junior to take me down at training, or that my kids can know something I don't, then I've likely become a very stubborn and difficult old person. Even worse if I haven't actually grown that old at that point.
[We are fragile when we can fail. But it's only when we can fail, that we are in a position of growing and impact. If we hide away from it… we'll be safe, but we'll be impotent.]
It goes beyond personal development, and to our very progress as a society. I've had my chance to be that beginner who came out ahead, and this was critical to developing my own competence. Without this fragility we would always be stuck below some invisible limit.
The trouble is that the world also runs on these expectations. We're glass cups being asked to masquerade as plastic ones. Those who are ahead find it hard to admit they are also figuring things out, that they have weak and blind spots too.
We could hide away our fragile possessions, never using them, and never letting them break. We could do the same with ourselves, avoiding
I turned 35 last month, and quite suddenly, the sense of vulnerability is building up.
But it doesn't mean I hide away in a corner. I want to be pushing through despite being fragile.
Understand why parents are stubborn. I’ve been nursing my share of aches and injuries. Fortune of never being in hospital somehow, but i can feel myself getting more….fragile.
Our lives are riches when we are fragile. We can't grow without the risk of failure or mistake.
My todo list makes me fragile. I could worry I'd never finish it. And it's true. I never will finish it. I can only try.
Promoted in BJJ
Another aspect of vulnerability that I experience increasingly is that of competence and identity. Perhaps its the dreaded impostor syndrome or something else. As I narrow down my pursuits with age, there are less and less things which I am considered a beginner in. I'm expected to know something or have some measure of skill. It's a pressure I don't deal well with, that I should have been able to do better. It doesn't help that I'm also not deep enough to know everything.
It's a new feeling, but also something I am trying to appreciate and embrace, rather than see as a threat to be avoided.
I once had that chance to challenge those ahead of me, and sometimes come out on top. It's an important part of our human experience that life is multi faceted this way.
To Now be able to grant that same opportunity to others, maybe this is a fortunate thing. I always enjoy the beginner mindset. To soak knowledge without pressure.
But maybe the expert mindset is even more important. To be willing to fai
I feel like I should know something by now. Whether about my work, about my hobbies, or about life in general. But that comes with the fragility of not knowing something. Of someone else knowing more.
How to embrace this? If you put yourself in a place without risk of this. Then will stop learning.
It's easier to be a beginner. There's no risk.
Without the fragility, without the opportunity for someone to take you down. Not only will you not improve, everything else will be stagnant.