Welcome to Ideothetic Flow, my newsletter sharing my reflections on finding balance, sufficiency, and security.
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Hi!
Merry christmas and happy new year! I’ve been spending my month preparing for the end of my short stint at Lazada, and also spending time with the kids. With helpers going back for the holidays, grandparents hosting social events, and also us taking turns to fall sick, we’ve been quite stretched from parenting.
Looking back at 2022, its been a very difficult year. This is embarrassing since I did not even work full time this year.
I’ve mentioned to a number of people that I found the shift from 1 to 2 kids very hard. Especially in the last 2 months, the debts from improper rest, and the mental alertness of parenting have caught up, and I’m feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.
In trying to adapt, I spent alot of time reflecting, prioritising and editing my life. I think I’m quite a different person from the start of the year.
Wishing you a great 2023.
Conversations
For 2023, I’d like to have deeper conversation for people who read my writing.
If you would be interested in having a short, targeted chat about anything, drop a reply and i’d be most happy to have a coffee or a video call. Perhaps there was a post that resonated which you want to unpack, a problem you want to talk through, or just want someone to listen to whatever is on your mind.
The agenda is purely up to you, and I promise a duty of confidence over anything shared.
Maintain 80% full and saving 20% to help others
Several weeks ago, I saw this picture at the Tzu Chi Humanistic Center.
(For those unfamiliar with the far north of Yishun, its worth checking out this interesting building overlooking the Yishun pond, with a nice bakery.)
Despite how the 80 - 20 model is becoming overused, this picture really resonated with me.
It made me think about contentment, reminding me that happiness does not require getting everything which I want. Instead, its about appreciating that I actually have most of it already.
There’s a similar Japanese idea of Hara Hachi Bun Me. To leave the table eight-tenths full. This was found to be a reason for Okinawans maintaining a healthy BMI. Coincidentally I find my own weight loss journey at its best when I manage apply this too. It stands in contrast to what dieting seems to consider, an extreme split between eating to the limit, and eating very little.
This picture also gave guidance on when we should help others. Now that I have kids, I often feel conflicted about spending any of my limited energy or resources on anyone other than my family. Its not as if all their problems are already solved.
Trying to make life perfect for them is not only impossible, it is morally unsound. 80% of my attention is good enough. Being willing to put them aside to help others occasionally helps them learn contentment, and models the same behavior that I hope they will have in future. If there’s anything I want them to grow up to do, it is to be willing to help others.
I think the challenge in applying this framework is that we tend to be thinking alot about that last 20% of our own life. This is where we worry about imperfections and optimisations. Comparing small differentials in paychecks with colleagues, fretting about decimal points of discounts or interest rates, going to the “best” restaurants on the next holiday. Getting these all right take lots of headspace to plan and scheme how to achieve it.
Its hard to avoid thinking about it because we are always reminded about it. Not only by marketing and content trying to convince us to spend money to upgrade our lives further, but also by daily conversations with friends and family.
These are things which are interesting to discuss. They are visible, with a clear standard of perfection to measure against. Things like ranking the best sports team, or the best strategy to get airline miles, are full of opportunities to debate, and details to consider. In contrast, contentment is boring. It would be like asking someone to compare wines and getting the response that “both are good”. There’s little to talk about what people are content with.
That’s the challenge with finding the 80% of life to be content with. Its intangible and subjective. It has to be discovered on my own. No one else can tell me what makes up my 80%, and how to get it. Likely, they won’t even be able to understand why I am content with it.
Other things
I have a small cameo in the video of this Zaobao feature on my Wing Chun Teacher, Sifu Joel Lee. Having the privilege to have been learning Wing Chun from him, and being able to enjoy the art is part of my 80%.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts, start a conversation, or simply connect over a chat. You can reply this email, leave a comment, or reach me at jameschanwz@hey.com.
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Take care and have a good week!
James