How to stop worrying whether others like you - and some reflections on my own insecurity
Ideothetic Flow
Hi!
At times I get insecure and worry about what others think of me. I may question whether my friendships truly close, because I may not be interesting enough, or have differing viewpoints. I may also feel inferior, and wonder if my peers would think less of me because I am not capable enough. There is always a fear of being judged, or falling out of favor with another person.
In the past few years I learnt to deal with this better. Unfortunately, these worries have resurfaced recently. Moving out and upcoming fatherhood have created many more different tasks, there always seems to be some better way to do everything at home. Not usually being into research, I always seem to be on the back foot on the optimal way to get anything and everything done. I end up feeling like I am not doing well at the whole game of life, and feel incapable as a result. This is compounded by the anticipation that I will have less free time, which makes me worry if my friends will start drifting since I will have less time to spend.
I know, from experience, that these insecurities are counterproductive. They often end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy where overthinking causes me to hide my true self, and end up being distant from people, or doing badly at the task at hand.
I have thus spent the last two weeks reflecting and trying to regain some of my self-assurance. I found this video helpful in trying to resolve these issues:
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This video explains how whether a person likes another is not a simple question that we decide the moment we see another person. It is far more complex and dynamic. How we think of another person is constantly changing. What also determines whether they like us or not has nothing to do with who we are, what we think, or how capable we are. Instead, it comes down to a simple, yet difficult question of, whether we like them.
It encourages me to continue to reach out and try to connect with people, and to also keep up with my friends, without having to wait for them to take the initiative or show evidence that they are equally invested in the friendship.
However, while I am able to rationally understand, and agree with these points, I find it does not fully remove the problem. My insecurities continue to surface subconsciously and I have to actively keep them away. If you have advice or experience on how to internalise such ideas permanently, please share this with me.
For those who face similar problems, I would also love to hear from you, and perhaps we can share our experiences.
Have a great week ahead!
James
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Ideothetic Flow is a fortnightly newsletter where I reflect on insights that I have found useful in rethinking life in a more realistic way.
Modern culture, media, and technology, for all their benefits, have distorted the view of a complete and happy life. The ideas I share are those which have helped me gain a deeper understanding of my own identity and circumstances, and inspire change towards a happier life, and I hope they will do the same for anyone else who reads this.
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