Strategies to resist our impulses for revenge
Hi!
New posting schedule
I decided to change my post schedule from Tuesdays to Fridays. This lets me better allocate my writing time to the weekdays instead of the weekend.
As Joy gets older and more mobile, I find it harder to get focused time to write on weekends. Trying to carve out that time distracts me from being present with her. Instead, I decided to use my free time in the weekends for deeper reading and reflection. Also, from a little survey, people prefer to read things like this at the start or end of the week rather than the middle, so posting on Fridays seems to better match those habits.
Reducing our psychological needs for revenge
Last post, I wrote about prison abolition, and how I felt it was hard to properly assess such a radical reform until we gain better control and self-awareness over our psychological need for wrongs to be avenged.
Revenge satisfies psychological rather than tangible needs. Worse still, revenge is hedonistic. We get a rush of pleasure when we see revenge taken. The more we indulge it, the more we want it, and also need it in greater intensity. Our ability to calibrate the right punishment for small harm is distorted. By resisting our need for revenge, we can better assess punishment and find better solutions to harm, and also avoid destructive behavior.
For this week, I try to suggest some possible ways we can control our impulses whenever our daily lives trigger an impulse for revenge.
Why should we resist these impulses
Revenge inhibits recovery. A common conception is that getting revenge is necessary to recover after being hurt. However, people who get revenge often end up feeling worse after the fact. When we act on an event with payback, we acknowledge and reinforce the memory of harm in our minds. It becomes harder to put aside and let go. We might also end up feeling regret or guilty from taking revenge.
Revenge is destructive.
Responding to harm with harm is net-negative for society. Further, being a product of emotional impulse, vengeful acts are often risky, as the impulses weaken our ability to appreciate risk. We are likely to harm ourselves and others even further. Nixon was known as a man who never forgot any insults he received, and he even had an enemies list of people he actively wanted to "screw over". Tunneling on revenge creates decisions that promote harm rather than good.
Remember how this played out?
The harm is often excessive. We are likely to overstate the harm caused to us, and expect payback to be even higher.
Further, revenge mindsets ignore individuals and see it as group issues. If we are wronged, revenge need not be taken on the offender, as long as their group suffers. Conversely, an attack on a person in our own group must be avenged, even if I myself am not hurt. This creates collateral damage. We see this when we suffer at the hands of institutions or leaders, but take it out on those working for them. In the US, revenge has been a major factor in school shootings and bombings. Innocent people get hurt in ways that are far from proportionate. It also creatives division between groups.
Revenge is oppressive. Revenge is not always about deterrence. It is also about establishing power and dominance. To show that I can hurt you some way. When we see revenge as something justified, we encourage the use or abuse of power to hurt others for revenge.
How can we push away our impulses for revenge?
Wait and write.
Time is the best way to let the desire for revenge dissolve. As we cool down, the rational parts of our minds advise against taking risks, we are far less likely to indulge in a revenge impulse. Pause, take a breath before responding, let go of your action bias that screams for an immediate response. I am definitely guilty of often acting too hastily. Learning some basic meditation techniques to allow thoughts to pass by have helped. My martial arts training has also been useful in making me more aware when I am rushing.
I try to put negative thoughts down on paper, leaving them there and out of my mind. This helps me look at my thoughts more objectively, and observing that I have some fault to play as well, or I could do better in handling the problem. Writing down revenge desires might thus be useful to help take the thoughts out of your mind, but I also wonder if it might entrench the thought further by giving it physical form.
Find something to repeat.
When impulsive moments like seeking revenge strike, there is often little space for rational thought. No one is able to calmly sort through the various pros and cons of each action. I find it helpful to have a one-liner to repeat in my head in these moments. After reflecting on that line during moments of calm, that line can then replicates all those reflections in a single moment.
In the context of revenge it could be a quote from someone prominent -
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves" , Confucius
"An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind", Gandhi
It could also be a distinct memory of a similar situation that turned out bad. Or it can be an affirmation of your own identity. If I manage to catch myself about to do something hurtful, or feeling like I deserve getting payback, I try to remind myself of the promises I made in writing this newsletter, that I am trying to be a better person, and thus should take a moral high ground.
Focus on your goals. Being both destructive and reactive, revenge does nothing for achieving our innate goals. Instead, it distracts us from what we want to accomplish. A frustration I often have when playing League of Legends with strangers is that whenever they are offended by their own teammates (for whatever reason), they will throw the game to spite everyone else. It ruins the experience for 9 others. I empathize that setting proper goals is difficult though. We are often pulled in so many directions by what we see and hear, that it is hard to understand what we truly want. When goals are too weak, being distant from our core identity, or too scattered, then they become easier to put aside over a revenge aim. I have found some benefit from the 5/25 goal setting method to keep my mind focused on a limited set of core priorities.
Build capacity. Revenge is justified with the need for deterrence. We retaliate because we to prevent future harm. We fear loss, whether it is physical pain, money, jobs, or pride. We feel a need to act to prevent that loss. Instead of deterrence, it might be more worthwhile to direct energy to building up our own strength. This could be skills and resources, or learning to live with less. A person who is harder to hurt has less need for revenge.
Find accountability. Knowing how and why not to seek revenge is easy, actually putting it in place is hard. Having something to keep us accountable is the best way to make us pause and reflect before acting impulsively. We are all motivated to present a consistent image to our peers, and to avoid their condemnation. So, be willing to ask your partners or friends to hold you accountable to doing better. Writing here is my own way of trying to keep myself accountable, to commit to behaving in the same way in which I reflect on. As friends, we should encourage letting go. When your friends tell you their problems, don't suggest ways to get payback, or ask " how can you let this slide?". Otherwise, we feed into the thinking that all wrongs must be avenged, or as peers, we will think less of the victim for it.
The road ahead - from revenge to justice
As internet and social media engagement grows, there is a growing trend of "cancel culture", and attacks on individuals whose views or actions may have violated various norms. The last two weeks have seen several in Singapore, and some debate around whether "cancel culture" is justified. Currently I have no opinion on the individual cases and whether the responses are justified. I do think that holding people accountable is important, but it must also be done in the right way. As I reflected on this revenge theme, I wonder how confidently can we say that such attacks are fully motivated out of justice, or there is a darker side to it, to see some sort of retribution done (even for indirect reasons - see point about revenge being group based). I thus believe it is necessary we all take steps to curb our impulse for payback, so that we can be clear that our causes and actions are motivated by justice, not revenge.
I have tried to list some ways we can reduce the need for retribution. However, this likely only works for smaller, day to day moments where we are offended. Realistically, when it comes to severe loss like violent crime or sexual assault, the need for revenge is harder to hold back. This needs strong trust in our institutions to protect us. In societies where institutions are weak or absent, such as in criminal circles, or less-developed societies, then revenge to "protect one's honor" becomes an important tool for deterrence. Sadly, it feels like the trust in our institutions has not been growing stronger. While I write here on how we can improve ourselves as individuals, I also hope those in the right positions can also influence and improve the structure of society.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts, comments, and even criticisms on the ideas above, and to engage in deeper discussion around them. I write to stay connected, so do feel free to share other ideas which interest you, whether or not related to this post, or about what's going on in your life. You can reach out by replying this email, or emailing me at jameschanwz@hey.com, or messaging me at my various social media.
Other links:
On Apple's Monopoly power to destroy Hey - In an earlier post I mentioned a dispute between Apple and Basecamp over allegations that Apple was using monopoly power over its App Store to squeeze small developers. Here is Basecamp's statement to the Antitrust Subcommittee on the same topic.
Stay safe!
James
About Ideothetic Flow
Ideothetic Flow is a small passion project where I share my reflections on challenging common norms and trying to be a better person.
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