3 frameworks on better gifts
Hi!
Happy Chinese New Year! With Christmas and Chinese New Year just over, I ended up reflecting on the less obvious aspects of gift-giving.
This was triggered by several events.
First, I had requested for my extended family not to buy any Christmas presents for Joy, she already had too many things and we wanted to avoid wastage. Sadly, no one complied with this request and we ended up with a number of gifts which we did not need.
Second. I got caught in the crossfire of my mother and mother in law both trying to give each other something for chinese new year, but lacking the time and energy to deliver it, and both asking me to play courier. To compound matters, the gifts were all highly perishable, and I had to go out of my way to shift plans to make it possible.
These made me think about how gifts have a hidden side, which there is a pressure to overlook out of politeness.. They might not only be useless to the recipient, but create more problems. In the case of Joy's presents, I had to balance my limited storage space, against the unspoken pressure to use the gifts, and talk about how good they were (thankfully Alcina is better than me at remembering what clothes we had received). There is also a darker side, where the gifts become obligatory. Fail to give something, and there is actually a consequence. A tribute rather than a gift.
When this happens, presents become inefficient. There is needless consumption, further depleting our planet. It also dilutes the value of human relationship into a superficial one, full of politeness, without real intimate connection.
In response to these thoughts, I propose three frameworks to assess if a gift comes attached with the right reasons:
Obligation.
A gift should be unconditional and voluntary. Often, recipients are expected to enjoy the gift - to use it, and remember its source. Givers may feel that in some circumstances, there is an expectation to give something, not showing up empty handed to a house. These obligations lead to wastage.
We should try to reduce these obligations as far as possible. Be clear whether or not gifts are expected (and if the are, they are no longer really a gift). When giving a present, we can be clear that it places no obligations, that we understand a present may not always be the most suitable, there is no offence to hear this, to have the gift resold or thrown away.
Effort.
Having no monetary cost does not make a gift completely free. All things require some effort on the part of the owner - perhaps to store, to use, or to maintain. The worst example of this would be a pet. To give something which requires more effort later on is less a blessing than a curse. . A well thought gift should feel effortless on the part of the one receiving it.
On the other hand, when giving a gift, effort must be put in to make the gift work. Expend this effort without complaint. If you resent the trouble of giving something, then better not to bother giving anything at all.
Personalisation.
The best gifts are personal. When people know each other well enough that the gift takes into account the other individual's needs and integrates into their lives without difficulty. The physical items exchanged are no longer the focus here, but a medium for the connection between people.
I would love to hear what you think about the social conventions around giving gifts. Do these frameworks make sense? Or is it possibly rude to expect these of someone who is going out of their way to gift something? I found myself struggling to keep my thoughts coherent as I write these, as this topic seems full of conflicting views, and having to question traditions and expectations that have already been ingrained in me.
Hope to hear from you!
James
About Ideothetic Flow
Ideothetic Flow is a small passion project following my own thoughts about living life better. Every 2 weeks I share something I find interesting, usually related to mental models which challenge common expectations or ideas.